just a little bigger than that

i dont know what to write anymore. because now it matters. it's not just a 'thing' now, it's a THING. i dont even know where i'm going. it's like being in a long winding passage with beautiful images framed and hung up on either side, so breathtaking that you dont stop to look how far you've gone.

then suddenly you're not even there anymore. you're some where else. with blood red roses. dark black. dark gray. thick gold. like a furnace. the cold stings your lungs when you breathe. you're in the army, marching, along straight line, uniforms. guns hanging from your hearts.

then you're lost in a playground. rain trickling in through your hair. running down your face. making furrows in the thick paint. red and white. you see mouths move around you but the noise they're making is indecipherable. and as you sit by the swings, lost and confused and cold, they walk up to you and pour their blame over you. washing you in it's foul, sordid, warmth. and all you can see is yesterday.

just a girl who'se had too much to drink. maybe she'll be back someday. even if she didnt you'd've had your share. "and if the sun comes up tomorrow, let her be"

it's raining now. colours changing. grey and green. rust and black. books. the cold floor. the windows are thrown open so you can see the road outside... "curling up like smoke". and a dark eyed angel lifts you up and lets you fall.

cream white piano on the window sill with the apple pie. the sky's so dark it could swallow you whole. the hole is so deep it could suck you in.

i just suddenly felt empty... like a certain nothing crawling on the wall... carried on the wind. i am empty. like a soda can in the gutter. like a mall with lots of people in it.

dont leave. i wont forget.

in the end you dont understand. in the end we all die. in the end there's not good or bad. but there is bad.